How to Support Someone Who Is Struggling

Someone you love is struggling. Maybe they've said it plainly. Maybe you've just noticed the light dim behind their eyes. Maybe you're up at night wondering if you should say something and terrified of saying the wrong thing.

You are not alone in this. And your instinct to show up matters more than you might realize. September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and this guide is written for you: the parent, partner, sibling, friend, or coworker who wants to help someone in Missouri, New Jersey, or anywhere else, and doesn't quite know how.

You do not need to be a therapist to make a difference. You just need to be present, honest, and willing to sit close to something hard.

At A New Day Psychology, Dr. Kylie Pottenger provides compassionate telehealth care across Missouri and 40+ PSYPACT states for adults navigating anxiety, trauma, grief, OCD, and perinatal mental health. This article shares practical, evidence-informed ways to support a loved one, plus clear guidance on when professional help is needed.

Why This Conversation Matters Right Now

Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States, and rates have risen in recent years across many age groups. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), hundreds of Americans die by suicide each week, and many more struggle silently with thoughts they've never told anyone.

Missouri and New Jersey communities, like all communities, are affected. Rural Missouri residents, veterans, LGBTQ+ youth, new parents, and people in high-pressure professional environments are among the groups facing elevated risk. But suicide does not discriminate. It touches every zip code and every income level.

Awareness Month is not about statistics. It is about the person you love. It is about being the one who says something when everyone else is politely looking away.

How to Recognize That Someone Is Struggling

Not everyone in crisis says so. Many people in emotional pain hide it, especially high-functioning adults. Warning signs to watch for include:

Changes in Mood or Personality

Withdrawal from things they used to enjoy. Increased irritability, sadness, or numbness. A sense that they are going through the motions. Sudden calmness after a period of visible distress can also be a warning sign, especially if they seem to be "settling accounts" or saying goodbye.

Changes in Behavior

Sleeping too much or too little. Eating too much or too little. Increased alcohol or substance use. Giving away possessions. Getting affairs in order. Reckless behavior. Withdrawing from friends, family, or work.

Direct or Indirect Statements

"I don't want to be here anymore." "Everyone would be better off without me." "I just want the pain to stop." "There's no point." These deserve to be taken seriously, always. Even more subtle statements ("I'm just so tired") from someone showing other signs are worth gently exploring.

Recent Losses or Life Changes

The end of a relationship. A job loss. A medical diagnosis. A death. Reproductive loss. Estrangement. Anniversaries of past losses. Any significant life change can be a vulnerable moment.

Trauma History

People carrying unprocessed trauma, including complex trauma, are at elevated risk, especially during transitions or triggering events. Trauma-informed support and specialized EMDR therapy can help many of these clients heal.

What to Say (and What Not to Say)

Missouri and New Jersey loved ones often ask Dr. Pottenger the same question: what do I actually say?

Start With Openness, Not Fixing

Try, "I've been thinking about you. How are you actually doing?" or "I've noticed you've seemed different lately, and I care about you. Do you want to talk?"

You are not there to solve. You are there to witness. That is enormous.

Ask the Direct Question

If you suspect suicidal thoughts, it is safe and often life-saving to ask directly: "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" or "Are you thinking about suicide?"

Contrary to what many people fear, research consistently shows that asking about suicide does not plant the idea. It relieves the person of the burden of bringing it up themselves. It creates space for honesty. Ask calmly, kindly, and without flinching.

Listen More Than You Speak

Resist the urge to jump into advice, silver linings, or bright-siding. Say things like, "That sounds so heavy." "I'm so glad you told me." "I'm here." "I wish I knew what to say to help." Silence is okay. You don't have to have all the answers.

Avoid These Common Missteps

"You have so much to live for." "Think about your children." "Other people have it worse." "Just try to be positive." These phrases, no matter how well-intentioned, often feel dismissive. They can shut down conversation and deepen shame.

You are not alone in a crisis moment. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988. Free, confidential, and available 24/7.

Practical Ways to Show Up

Sometimes the most powerful support isn't in what you say. It's in what you do. Here are practical ways to help a loved one in Missouri, New Jersey, or anywhere:

• Show up consistently. A short text every couple of days that says "thinking of you, no need to reply" carries real weight. Consistency matters more than eloquence.
• Offer specific help. "Can I bring dinner Wednesday?" lands better than "Let me know if you need anything." The person in crisis often can't organize a request.
• Be present without agenda. Watch a movie together. Take a slow walk. Sit in silence. Ordinary company in dark seasons is medicine.
• Help them get to professional support. Offer to research therapists, sit with them while they call, or drive them to a first appointment. In Missouri and New Jersey, telehealth care through practices like A New Day Psychology can be started from home, which lowers a major barrier.
• Take care of practical needs. Groceries. Childcare. A ride. Loading the dishwasher without being asked. Depression steals capacity for the ordinary.
• Stay in it for the long haul. Recovery is not a straight line. Continue checking in weeks and months after the initial crisis. The follow-up is often when isolation becomes loudest.

When Professional Support Is Essential

Love matters. Presence matters. And there are times when the situation requires professional care, not just family and friends.

Reach out for professional help when your loved one shares thoughts of suicide or self-harm, has a plan or means, is engaging in dangerous behaviors, is struggling with substance use, shows sustained withdrawal or hopelessness, has recently experienced trauma or loss they cannot process alone, or is showing signs of severe depression, panic, or dissociation.

If your loved one has verbalized current thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call 911, take them to the nearest emergency room, or call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline together. They need specialized care and support to ensure their safety.

Encouraging a loved one to work with a licensed clinician is one of the most caring things you can do. Many Missouri and New Jersey clients begin with a first therapy consultation via telehealth, which can be an accessible entry point when leaving the house feels impossible. Dr. Pottenger offers free 15-minute consultations designed to help people take that first step with less friction.

Depending on what they're carrying, the right care might involve specialized grief counseling, trauma-informed care, EMDR, OCD-focused treatment, or perinatal mental health support. Matching the person with the right specialty makes a real difference.

Taking Care of You, Too

Loving someone in crisis is exhausting. Supporters often carry a version of grief and fear that goes unnamed. In Missouri and New Jersey, we frequently see caregivers, partners, and parents show up in Dr. Pottenger's office themselves, worn down from months or years of holding space for someone else.

Please remember:

• You are not responsible for saving them. Your job is to show up and connect them to help. You are not their therapist, and you cannot single-handedly prevent every risk.
• Your feelings are valid. Fear, anger, grief, resentment, guilt, and exhaustion are all normal responses to loving someone in pain.
• You need support, too. Consider your own therapy, a support group, or trusted friends. A supporter with support is a stronger supporter.
• Rest is not abandonment. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself is part of taking care of them.

You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone Either

If your loved one in Missouri or New Jersey is ready to reach out, Dr. Pottenger offers a free 15-minute telehealth consultation, a low-pressure first step. If you are the one holding it all together and quietly running out, therapy is available for you too.

Book a Free 15-Minute Consultation

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I ask directly if someone is thinking about suicide?

Yes. Research consistently shows that asking about suicide does not increase risk. It often relieves the person and opens the door to help. Ask calmly, kindly, and directly.

What if they refuse to see a therapist?

Continue to show up. Sometimes it takes weeks or months for someone to be ready. Offering to help research options, or to sit with them while they call, can reduce the barrier when the moment comes.

What do I do if they are in immediate danger?

Call 911, take them to the nearest emergency room, or call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline together. In Missouri and New Jersey, mobile crisis teams may also be available in your area.

How do I take care of myself while supporting someone else?

Consider your own therapy, a support group for family members, and honest conversations with people you trust. Loving someone in crisis is one of the hardest human experiences, and it deserves support too.

Can I schedule a first consultation for someone else?

The person seeking care generally needs to initiate their own consultation, but you can absolutely share the link, sit with them while they schedule, or help them prepare. Making the first step easier is one of the most tangible ways to help.

Does Dr. Pottenger provide care outside Missouri and New Jersey?

Yes. Through PSYPACT, Dr. Pottenger is authorized to provide telehealth care in 40+ states in addition to Missouri and New Jersey. Anyone physically located in a PSYPACT state during sessions is eligible.