There is a particular loneliness in grieving a baby the world never got to meet.
You carry a love with no photographs. A due date that comes around every year and belongs only to you. A child whose name you may say only in your own head, because saying it out loud makes other people uncomfortable, and you have learned to protect them from your grief.
This October, you do not have to carry it quietly. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day set aside for exactly this grief and exactly these babies.
At A New Day Psychology, Dr. Kylie Pottenger offers specialized perinatal loss and grief support in Missouri and across 40+ PSYPACT states via secure telehealth. This article is about remembrance: the rituals, practices, and small acts that help bereaved parents in Missouri, New Jersey, and everywhere honor a baby who mattered.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is October 15. At 7:00 PM in every time zone, bereaved families light a candle for one hour, creating a continuous Wave of Light around the world. You are welcome to join, from anywhere, with no registration and no explanation required.
Why Remembrance Matters in Perinatal Grief
Most losses come with rituals. There are funerals, obituaries, casseroles, cards. Communities have scripts for showing up.
Pregnancy and infant loss usually has none of that. Miscarriage often happens before anyone knew. Stillbirth arrives in a hospital room where everyone is unsure what to say. Neonatal loss is met with silence from people who do not know how to name a baby they never met. Termination for medical reasons carries an added layer of cultural discomfort that keeps many parents entirely silent.
The absence of ritual is not a small thing. Rituals do real psychological work. They make grief visible. They give it shape and container. They tell the griever, and everyone watching, that something real was lost and someone real is mourning.
When ritual is missing, parents are left to grieve in private, without the social acknowledgment that helps grief move. Creating your own remembrance practices is one way to restore what the culture failed to offer.
What Pregnancy and Infant Loss Includes
Perinatal loss is not a single experience. The grief community that gathers each October includes parents who have experienced miscarriage at any gestation, ectopic and molar pregnancy loss, stillbirth, neonatal and infant death, termination for medical reasons, and loss through failed IVF transfers or chemical pregnancy.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), stillbirth affects roughly 1 in 175 pregnancies in the United States, and miscarriage is significantly more common still. These losses touch families in every Missouri and New Jersey community, and yet they remain largely invisible.
However your loss happened, however early, however complicated: your baby counts. Your grief counts. You belong in this month.
You are not alone in a crisis moment. If you're experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. For perinatal-specific support, Postpartum Support International offers a helpline at 1-800-944-4773.
Ways to Honor Your Baby and Your Grief
There is no correct way to remember. What follows are options, not obligations. Take what fits, leave what doesn't, and know that choosing none of them is also a valid way to grieve.
Light a Candle for the Wave of Light
On October 15 at 7:00 PM local time, light a candle and let it burn for one hour. As each time zone reaches 7 PM, the light continues, circling the globe. Many Missouri and New Jersey parents describe this as the first time they felt part of something larger than their private grief.
Say Their Name
If you named your baby, say it out loud. Write it down. Tell someone. For many bereaved parents, hearing their child's name spoken by another person is profoundly meaningful. If you have not named your baby, you can still do so now, at any point, if that feels right.
Create Something With Your Hands
Plant a tree or a perennial that returns each year. Make a small garden space. Choose a piece of jewelry. Commission a piece of art. Keep a memory box with the ultrasound photo, hospital bracelet, or a single small item. Physical objects give grief somewhere to live.
Write a Letter
Write to your baby. Tell them what you wanted them to know, what you imagined, what you carry. Some parents write once. Some write every year on the due date or anniversary. There is no requirement that anyone else ever read it.
Mark the Dates That Matter
The due date. The anniversary of the loss. The date you found out you were pregnant. These days often carry weight whether or not you consciously acknowledge them. Deciding in advance how you want to spend them can transform dread into intention.
Make a Donation or Act in Their Name
Some families donate to perinatal loss organizations, contribute comfort items to a hospital's bereavement program, or do an act of kindness each year in their baby's memory.
Let Yourself Rest
Remembrance does not have to be productive. Sometimes honoring your baby looks like taking the day off, staying in bed, watching the same movie you watched that week, and letting yourself feel exactly what you feel.
When Others Do Not Know How to Show Up
One of the hardest parts of perinatal loss is the response, or the absence of one, from people who love you.
Friends may say nothing, fearing they will make it worse. Family may avoid the topic after the first few weeks. Colleagues may never acknowledge it at all. Some people will say things that land badly: "at least it was early," "you can try again," "everything happens for a reason."
These responses usually come from discomfort rather than indifference, which does not make them hurt less. If you want to invite people in, it can help to be direct: "It would mean a lot if you said her name." "I'd love it if you checked in on October 15." Many people are relieved to be told what helps.
And if you do not have the energy for that, you do not owe anyone education about your own grief.
When Grief Needs More Than Ritual
Remembrance practices are meaningful, and sometimes they are not enough on their own. Specialized grief counseling can help when grief has become something you are carrying alone or when it has begun to interfere with daily functioning.
Consider reaching out if you are experiencing persistent difficulty functioning at work or home, intrusive memories or flashbacks from the loss or the medical experience, significant anxiety about a subsequent pregnancy, relationship strain around differing grief styles, or a sense that the grief has become frozen rather than moving.
Dr. Kylie Pottenger is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience and Postpartum Support International certification in perinatal mental health. She has also walked her own road through pregnancy loss, infertility, and postpartum anxiety. That lived experience does not replace clinical training; it deepens it. Missouri and New Jersey parents who work with her often describe the relief of not having to explain why this matters.
Her perinatal mental health care may include grief processing, EMDR therapy for traumatic memories from the loss or the medical experience, support for a subsequent pregnancy, and care for the layered grief of secondary infertility alongside loss.
Perinatal Grief Support via Telehealth in Missouri and New Jersey
Grieving parents should not have to sit in a waiting room, often near pregnant patients, to access care. Telehealth removes that. Whether you're in Kansas City, St. Louis, Springfield, Columbia, Newark, Jersey City, Paterson, or Elizabeth, Dr. Pottenger can meet you from wherever you feel safest.
Because she practices through PSYPACT, you can continue care if you travel, relocate, or split time between Missouri, New Jersey, and other covered states.
Carrying Them Forward
Healing in perinatal loss does not mean moving on. It does not mean the love fades or the ache resolves on schedule. It means finding a way to carry your baby with you through a life that keeps going.
It might look like a candle every October 15. It might look like a garden that blooms each spring. It might look like saying their name easily, without your voice catching. It might look like a life that holds both the joy that came after and the child who came before, without either one erasing the other.
Your baby was here. Your baby mattered. And so does your grief.
You Do Not Have to Grieve Alone This October
If you're looking for pregnancy and infant loss support in Missouri or New Jersey from someone who understands, Dr. Pottenger is here. Telehealth sessions are confidential, gentle, and paced entirely to where you are.
Book Your Free 15-Minute Consultation
Frequently Asked Questions About Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
What is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?
October 15 is observed annually as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Families worldwide participate in the Wave of Light by lighting a candle at 7:00 PM local time for one hour, creating a continuous chain of light across time zones.
Does my loss "count" if it was very early?
Yes. Grief is not measured in weeks of gestation. Parents grieving a loss at six weeks and parents grieving a loss at forty weeks both belong in this month, and both deserve support.
Is it normal to still grieve years later?
Yes. Perinatal grief often resurfaces around due dates, anniversaries, subsequent pregnancies, and milestones your child would have reached. Grief that returns is not grief that failed to heal. It is love that has nowhere else to go.
What if my partner and I grieve very differently?
This is extremely common and does not mean your relationship is failing. Therapy can help each of you understand the other's grief language and stay connected through a season that can otherwise isolate you from each other.
Can therapy help if I'm pregnant again?
Yes. Pregnancy after loss carries its own layered anxiety and grief. Specialized support helps you hold both the baby you lost and the pregnancy you're carrying now.
Do I need to be in Missouri or New Jersey to work with Dr. Pottenger?
You need to be physically located in a PSYPACT state during sessions. Missouri and New Jersey are both covered, along with 40+ others.
Crisis Support Resources
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
Postpartum Support International Helpline: 1-800-944-4773
A New Day Psychology Dr. Kylie Pottenger, Licensed Clinical Psychologist Email: info@andpsych.com Phone: (417) 429-4580 Telehealth services for Missouri, New Jersey, and 40+ PSYPACT states
About the Author
Dr. Kylie Pottenger, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience, certified in perinatal mental health by Postpartum Support International and trained in ERP, Inference-Based CBT, EMDR, and CPT. She provides telehealth care across Missouri, New Jersey, and 40+ PSYPACT states. Dr. Pottenger brings both clinical expertise and her own lived experience of infertility, pregnancy loss, and postpartum anxiety to her work. Learn more about Dr. Pottenger.